I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just gargled with NyQuil
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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