I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
