I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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