it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
where are my eyebrows?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
