I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
