If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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