i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
then he tried to convert me to islam
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
