im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
