He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
