The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
