My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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