Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
