she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
