hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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