At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
