tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
