Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
