Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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