I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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