Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
