I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
