Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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