i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
