took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
