i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
