I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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