In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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