She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I need water and some morals
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
