dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
