Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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