is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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