Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
