evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
and she was petting her beer can
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
