FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
