Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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