High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
