I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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