Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
