When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
