i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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