It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
