Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
