I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
