turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
why do cheetos always look like penises
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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