i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
