I murdered the dance floor call the cops
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
