Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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