Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
