bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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