i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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