Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
