she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
