I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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