Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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