I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
