lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
