I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
