I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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