the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize