Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
