im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
