shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
50% drunk capacity currently
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
