Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
