so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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