I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
