i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
