I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
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