nut hugger
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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