How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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