Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
