Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
